Learning to Fly
I caught overwhelm yesterday.
I have a lot on my plate right now.
I am reinventing and upgrading my business. I am studying for two new certifications to enhance my offerings. I am creating new content both for my website and for social media/advertising while writing my blogs which will soon become a book. I am trying to practice and become proficient in a couple of new art forms as I support my family with home management and do my best to show up fully present for my daughter, husband, and friends.
Oh and continuously working to practice what I preach when it comes to self-care and work-life balance.
And these are all good things, all things I am drawn to do, all things I am excited about, all things I really love. And yet I am feeling the pinch a bit when it comes down to time availability. Actually, now, as I write it all down, I see very clearly that it's really more than just “a lot”. For me, a human who has a tendency to withdraw when life gets a bit crazy, this may be testing that line between enough and too much in a big way.
But I am committed to my purpose. And my purpose is to shine the light of truth on all the things we women bring to the table and to create tools for myself and my sisters to navigate our beautifully busy lives. My purpose is to provide women who are also interested in creating a lasting positive impact with assistance and community, giving them the support and space they need to move into wholeness as worthy and unique human miracles, here to create a better world. This is the WHY behind all my actions in this life and I love it.
And some days, sometimes, I just want to put it all down, turn off my phone and binge-watch Schitt’s Creek on my IPad, while eating gummy bears from the cozy comfort of my bubbly bathtub.
Yesterday was one of those days. It was a technical glitch combined with monthly hormones that threw me over the edge. The new online scheduling system my virtual assistant **Jordyn was setting up for me, was not working in the way I needed it to. I’ll spare you the details but for this; it wouldn’t allow me to block out blank time slots for clients on my calendar as a reminder to myself and also allow said clients to schedule during those blocks at the same time.
This for me was a very big deal. I felt a tightness that started in my gut and spread through the rest of my body. My jaw clenched and I felt tears caused by anxiety begin to pool behind my eyes.
Since midway through my pregnancy six years ago, my mind has not worked in the same way. Brain fog or even mom brain doesn’t begin to describe this. While I have always been easily distracted, I was also capable of focusing when I chose to. Now thoughts enter my head and before I can pick up a pencil to write them down, they are gone. While I used to be able to recall my daily appointments just from memory, now, if I hope to be anywhere in a timely and professional manner, it HAS to be on my calendar. This scheduling sync issue was major. And my brain couldn’t handle it.
I felt myself growing terse. I tried to convey kindly to Jordyn what I needed, and that the system we had chosen together, the system that Jordyn had taken time to set up and arrange perfectly, had to be changed. I don’t know that the ‘kindly’ part read well. I could see Jordyn’s energy tighten through the little view box of our video meet.
Jordyn and I have been working together for over three years now. I consider her a dear friend and I love her. This tension between us was new and confusing. I felt the importance of the moment, as I observed her face shift and stiffen. I became aware that how we showed up for each other here, would have a lasting impact on our relationship. It would either build trust or it would strip it away.
Jordyn spoke first.
“I’m trying to find words for what I’m feeling”, she said. “It feels like frustration. I am working on things on my end, creating systems, implementing the things that we talk about, and then a week goes by and you are asking me to change them.”
…………Oh God, she’s right……
I do, do that….. I do it a lot.
I looked at my beautiful friend. I saw how speaking those words put her in a vulnerable spot. I saw that it would probably have been easier to stay quiet and she still chose to take that hard first step. She was working to stay calm while she said what needed to be said as kindly as she could.
I listened. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then I responded.
“I see that……. I hear you…. And that must be very very frustrating….. I am sorry.”
The tears started to pool in my eyes.
Instantly I felt the air between us soften. Jordyn was stepping up and speaking her truth in an uncomfortable moment without throwing shade or judgment my way. And in doing so, she created a safe space for me to claim my part in our interaction. This was a breakthrough for me. I have been working hard on becoming less reactionary in the moments when I feel triggered or undervalued. And at that moment, where in the past I might have diverted the attention away from myself because I felt unseen, I realized that I was actually being fully witnessed. Jordyn saw me dropping the ball, informed me where her boundary was, and continued to love me anyway. Because of that simple act, I felt able to claim full accountability for my actions and settle into my own worth even more fully than before. By choosing to speak honestly, Jordyn made it possible for me to recognize who I wanted to be and to lean into this new version of myself by validating her feelings and claiming autonomy for my part.
We talked through our thoughts and emotions for a few more minutes and then came up with a workaround for the schedule issue. I would use reminders on my Google Calendar to place-hold the blocks of time, leaving my appointments open and free for clients to schedule with the system Jordyn had already put into place.
And then we hopped on our mats and I lead us through a short but juicy and sweaty Yoga flow class to assist in moving any remaining tight energies out of our bodies.
This………….
This is why all the work, all the therapy, all the coaching, all the time and money, and the growing pains are so very worth it. This is tangible proof that we humans are capable of changing for the better. It is evident that when we choose to be open and actually listen past our own need to be right, when we choose to see someone else’s perspective as an equally important piece of the truth, and when we get creative in finding a true win-win, not only do we build our trust and fortify our friendship foundations, but we also find solutions that would not have existed if we had decided to go head to head.
And truth be told, when looking historically at my past relationships as mirrors of my own inner workings, this could have gone either way. We could have done it in a way that reaffirmed each of our shortcomings and areas of self-doubt. We could have dug our heels in, creating pits to harbor grudges and future resentments. We could have picked each other apart for the ways that we failed one another.
But we didn’t. We both chose peace and love and stayed at the table to sort it out.
And I, bolstered up with the right support, now feel like I can move mountains. I am able to resist the urge to binge on Netflix and sugar and choose instead to take the next right steps toward all those things that may still feel like “a lot”, but also feel a lot more possible. I get to be a big fucking hell YES for all of my ambitious projects and step forward with excitement in the expanded me.
I am tearing up again, not from anxiety but from joy (and a little bit of hormones). If I can make this shift, it is proof that it is possible for anyone, and that gives me huge hope for the future. It gives me hope for my daughter and the generations that follow her. And it also strengthens my resolve in my purpose.
I am on my path. I am surrounded by loving support. I am learning to trust deeply in the process. And I recommit with every breath I take, to love.
**Jordyn, by the way, is actually a lot more than a virtual assistant, but I have yet to come up with a job title that accurately or adequately describes all that she does for me and for Wanderful Bodies. But whatever label we choose for her, I will remain in constant gratitude that she and I found each other.
