Thank You, Mel Robbins
If mindset and wellness is your bag, you have probably heard of Mel Robbins. I first became aware of her on The Expanded podcast back in 2021, over a year before she launched a podcast of her own last October. Mel was promoting her book The High Five Habit, of which I became an instant fan. I found this book and it’s practice strangely effective and perfect in its simplicity. You look in the mirror every day and high-five yourself. That’s it. Every morning after brushing my teeth I committed to doing this. And it just worked for me, even though it felt super dorky and so incredibly easy that my brain was constantly questioning its effectiveness. But Mel’s book backs it up with a whole bunch of research and I encourage you to buy it, learn for yourself, and try it. Seriously, it’s a game-changer. But I digress….
From there I followed her on Instagram, intrigued. Who was this woman?
Mel, I discovered, is just a few years my senior, and a woman who has worn many hats and worked through quite a bit in her life. Her approach to self-development, one of my favorite topics, is simple, scientific, and shared interspersed with tons of four-letter words and a very dry sense of humor. It is also filled with her huge heart, her struggles, and her passion for sharing with others in the hopes of easing the pain and leveling the roadblocks so many of us feel when it comes to stepping up and creating the life we want. This is a woman I feel like I could have a cup of coffee with.
When the Mel Robbins Podcast went live in October of 2022, it became my go-to while sitting in the construction traffic to and from Oona’s preschool. The county of Maui is building a new high school and a new and exciting roundabout, right in the middle of my commute to go with it. This normally 10-minute drive has taken between 20 minutes to over an hour for well over a year. In order to get to pick up on time I had to leave really early, just in case it was a bad day. I found myself with time on my hands and I tried my best to fill it with things that made the car time feel more productive. The Mel Robbins Podcast fits this bill perfectly. It inspired me. I felt motivated. I nodded along, teared up often, and even yelled “yes!” more than once out loud to no one in particular while alone in my car. I love the guests, I love the conversations, and I love her direct approach.
So when I pressed play on the latest episode last week and found myself doing a double take and a head tilt, complete with a somewhat snarky comment at the tip of my tongue after the first introductions, I actually took myself aback.
My chest tightened. My brow creased. And my internal dialogue was something along the lines of “who does she think she is?”
Shit. I knew this feeling.
I was triggered. I was triggered in a big way. And through years of self-work, I now recognize that when I feel triggered, my body, my mind, and my soul are conspiring to bring to the surface something that needs addressing. Our triggers alert us to areas buried deep that are asking to be healed. They are usually the areas that are wrapped up in shame and pain. They are the areas I really don’t want to look at but really really should.
In that moment I recalled one of my favorite old sayings: “The truth will set you free.” I yearn for freedom. I know the truth lies beneath the trigger and so I start digging.
My grip on the steering wheel tightened. I took a deep breath. I checked in with my body. The tightness felt sticky. It felt like cellophane wrapped around my heart. Oh shit. I know that feeling too. Envy. I was feeling envious. I was feeling less than. Instead of feeling inspired, my inner mean girl perked up and chimed in, this time a little louder, “Who does she think she is?”
What was it that sparked this reaction? What set me off?
It was simply Mel’s self-introduction. Mel began her podcast with: “Welcome, My name’s Mel. I am a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation.”
Was that the first time I’d heard her say exactly those words? Was that the same sentence she used when the podcast first started? I wasn’t sure…. It could be that I had heard it over and over and didn’t actually have my extremely adverse response to it until many repetitions in. But that didn’t really matter. What mattered was that I felt uncomfortable. If I’m being really honest, it kinda pissed me off. But why?
Ok, let's backtrack a little. I am a big-time proponent of Equality. Yes, I meant to capitalize the E. I have spent years uncovering the unconscious patriarchal patterning I learned as a child through our cultural “norms”. Those patterns that seek to hold women (and all underserved, underpaid, underestimated, and oppressed people) back. It is my mission in this life to unpack how we, as a culture, got here and empower myself to speak my truth. I am intentionally choosing to get uncomfortable, break the silence and dance through the roadblocks and past the fear; past the systems that keep women down, to create the life I dream of; a life filled with the kind of freedom that changes those systems simply by opting out and creating entirely new ones.
And as I go, I intend to share with as many others as possible. I intend to hold the hands of my sisters as we shake off thousands of years of patriarchy and emerge tearfully triumphant to hand the new world, a world where all humans are treated equally with love and respect, to our children. I have made it a personal practice to applaud loudly the other women who are on this path, who are changing the game, and who are stepping up and moving mountains. We do this together.
That is my dream, my vision, my mission…… Ok. Now we’re caught up.
What I realized sitting bumper to bumper, having a somewhat major mean girl attack when I heard Mel Robbins introduce herself, was that I was really uncomfortable with this incredible woman stepping forward and openly claiming her worth. I was reacting to her speaking truthfully about her success by shaming her in my head. What the actual fuck?
Now it has been my observation that if you want to oppress a group of people, the best way to do it is to get them to unwittingly do the work for you. You get them to actively be a part of the system of oppression. You get them to just go ahead and oppress themselves. We, women, have been doing this for years. A whole lot of fucking years. We did this through underhanded comments, passive-aggressive and manipulative behavior, spreading rumors, and knocking each other down when we could have been lifting our sisters up. We did this by not asking for what we wanted. We did this by believing the names they called us were true and then used those same hurtful words against each other. We did this by playing the role of the silent romantic, waiting for someone else to show up and make us happy rather than putting on our big girl pants, teaming up, and taking care of that shit ourselves.
We have always been more than capable. We just bought into the idea that we weren’t because that’s what the people in charge told us. We did this because we were taught to do this. We did this because we were told it would keep us and the ones we loved safe. It didn’t. It doesn’t. In that game, someone always loses. And even though we knew this, we quietly prayed it wouldn’t be someone we knew. We threw our sisters under the bus.
But it is changing. It is changing quickly. Yes, the old ways are still happening. But every day more and more women are waking up to the ways that we helped to perpetrate the unbalanced system of patriarchy and choosing something different, something more inclusive, something more sustainable, and more immersed in the immense powers of kindness and love. My reaction to Mel Robbins on that strange and random Tuesday morning was an opportunity to see the parts of me that are still in need of healing, the areas that were still attached to the old belief that a woman who stands up and speaks openly about her accomplishments is somehow boastful, or undignified or prideful or arrogant or god forbid, unladylike. This is an old belief system that is no longer helpful, applicable, or valid. It is time to let it go.
A true lady is whatever the fuck she wants to be.
And here’s the thing…..Mel Robbins IS a “New York Times best-selling author.” Mel Robbins has (as of 2/14/23) the #8 podcast on Apple, the #1 podcast on Audible, and a 4.9 rating on Spotify with millions of listeners worldwide. She has millions of followers on Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube. I think we can safely say that she actually IS “one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation.” My reaction to her simply stating the truth about her accomplishments says way more about me than it does about her. And it only highlights, even more, the impact that she has made in my life alone. My reaction and the process of unpacking it to find ever more understanding and wholeness within myself makes her statement even more true.
And I am now even more of a fan. Not because she is standing up and actively embodying an amazing example of a woman recreating her life, which she is. And not because the tools within her podcast are so incredibly user-friendly and applicable, which they are. And not even because she is willing to share her vulnerability by telling the often painful truth about her past, her missteps, and mistakes, which she does. But it’s because she is creating the space and opening a dialogue about self-empowerment that extends well beyond the hour twice a week I spend with her podcast in my car. She is managing to compound exponentially everything I have learned through years of therapy and coaching and self-work and helping me go even deeper.
The tightness in my chest is gone. I am smiling. I am refreshed and back on track. Oh, and as of Friday the roundabout is open and my journey to and from Oona’s school is now clear. There’s a happy metaphor for you.
