Riding that Wave
Holy cow you guys! This year has been bananas. Anyone else out there feel like they’ve just been through the spin cycle? So much change and incredible opportunities for growth. When you’re super focused on lighting up the unseen and learning to love that shadow side of yourself, this is all cause for a big celebration. Lots of new discoveries. Lots of new creations.
And it can also be really, really hard. All this excavating of my deeper parts has left me feeling raw and exposed and open, allowing space for both expansion and long-forgotten memories to rise to the surface. I have felt a ton of stuff coming up that I thought I had put to bed years ago. Jealousy, anger, resentment, frustration, and even regret have all made reappearances. And I’m not talking brief cameos here; these are starring roles complete with sequins, heels, and a devastatingly beautiful soundtrack.
But healing is like that. There is always a deeper layer to invite to the party. And if I’m being really honest (and if you have read my previous blogs, you know honesty is my thing), there were a lot of times this spring when this royally pissed me off. I want so much to be more spiritually evolved than I am. I mean God damn it, I have put in the work for years! And I am also self-aware enough to know that the fact that I feel shame and anger about this is evidence that there is still a lot more work to do. Again, healing is like that.
So many days in 2023, I woke up feeling on top of the world, capable, and ready to climb every mountain placed in my path, only to be jolted awake with anxiety at 4 am, in tears, and unable to see past how shitty I felt. I have had to constantly remind myself that these ups and downs that feel so jarring, are all part of the process. And I am finding a lot of comfort in the fact that the acknowledgment of my frustration is now coming in hand with a little bit of grounded humor. The growth is there. It’s big, it’s evident, and I still wish for more. I can actually feel my higher self holding me and whispering with the kindest gentle smile; “silly human, you are on the path and it will all be ok”.
But sometimes it just all feels like too much. In March I lost my momentum and my drive big time. John and I were trying to navigate a particularly sticky space in our relationship. I was emotionally exhausted by the constant “on” of motherhood and felt very alone. The grief of all I had lost or given up over my lifetime was like a cold and soggy blanket across my shoulders. The obstacles felt too high. And while I am not new to depressive swings and have actually gotten pretty good at predicting their onset as well as navigating them with self-care and support, this one hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was consumed by a sadness much stronger than I had experienced in a very long while. It was difficult to sit with the pain. And I couldn’t even bring myself to acknowledge what I know to be true; that this too would pass. In the moment, I struggled to remember that this human life is not a direct, high-speed train from point A to point Z. Instead, it more accurately resembles hiking the Continental Divide Trail. Filled with stunning and constantly changing scenery, erratic weather patterns, massive climbs and deep valleys, sore muscles, blisters, and possibly an ankle sprain or two, all leading to a destination that we can’t yet see.
When knee-deep in moments like these, it is crucial for me to lean into trust, because without it, my hope and belief in a better future is lost. But often trust is the first thing to go when you’re in a particularly tricky life event. I mean, when you trip on the trail and find yourself falling, it’s unlikely that you are going to have the wherewithal to focus on how beautiful the scenery is on the way down. It is a really hard-learned skill, at least for me, to trust that everything IS actually going to be ok. I’m way more likely, at least historically, to grasp desperately for anything that will slow my descent, which is where old patterns of unhelpful coping mechanisms and self-sabotage tend to come up for me. This spring my trust failed me hard. I saw my future projected not from a place of hope and love, but from a panicking monkey mind, catastrophizing the inevitable failure of my marriage, my ability to mother with graceful love, my business, and my desire to be a positive force not only in my own life but in our greater world community. I saw only loneliness and fear. It was dark and bleak. Ugh, it sucked.
But here’s the thing. Though it had been a while, I had been down this rabbit hole before and I had put fail safes in place. It felt awful and terrifying. But I have spent upwards of 20 years learning tools and tricks to cushion the blow when I fall. When haunted with spirits from the past, a smart woman has her own personal ghostbusters on speed dial.
Somehow I have managed to build a circle of incredible women who I know I can trust to hold me and my big emotions through my dark moments with a truckload of love. They listen without judgment. If they are uncomfortable with my tornado-like emotional storms, they still never ask me to be anything other than my authentic self. These women have stood by my side for years and know that on the other side of this, I will come out stronger. This time was no different. I reached out with a shaky hand and felt multiple unhesitating and loving arms reaching out to reassure my bruised heart. I have had many moments where I sank into darkness. But these women hold the faith in me when I can’t. They know, sometimes better than I do, that I won’t be here long. And with their support, I am able to shift and climb up, out, and higher.
The understanding of this effective and vitally important needle mover is one of my most treasured lessons learned. It is absolutely imperative to surround yourself, especially when feeling shitty, with energies that emulate not where you are, but where you want to go. When I find myself in a big-time downward spiral, spinning my wheels. When I am unable to trust in myself. Where I once would console myself in misery at the bar with others also eyeball deep in their own shit, I now go to the places that I KNOW will hold me and my tired heart safely while I figure out how to heal and lift myself up.
But I didn’t always have this tool. I used to be afraid to reach out to my badass ghostbuster support system because I was terrified that if they saw the bad choices I was making, the way I was failing myself, they would turn their backs on me. I was so scared they would think I was a lost cause. This, of course, was in no way a reflection of how I felt about them, and absolutely my projection of how I saw my own self-worth. So instead of calling on those who could actually help, I used to drown my sorrows in whiskey and cigarettes, in dark places, and destructive relationships, that only helped to hold me down. And just to be clear, if this is your current coping mechanism, you will find absolutely no judgment here my friend. I understand more than most that everyone is on their own path and heals on their own timing.
But if you are reading this and questioning where you are at and where you are spending your time, please know that there is another option.
For me… now… I see that I was never really happy in those dark places, as sultry and sexy as some of them may have been. The saying “misery loves company” is a thing because there is comfort in being surrounded by others who are drowning in their own sorrows. It makes us feel accepted for who we are, it makes us feel less alone, and it makes us feel ok about our self-destructive.
And, it is also a very, very sticky place to be. People who are unable to see past their own deep sadness will absolutely try everything they can to keep you in it with them. Who can blame them? No one wants to be faced dead on, with nothing between themselves and their own fears and hurt. The irony is that finding the courage to stare your wounds in the face is exactly the way out. People stuck in their wounding know this at a deeply unconscious level. They know that if you actively work to heal, you will choose to shift out of the muck and leave them.
Years ago, an amazing coach said to me, “if you change nothing, nothing will change.” I’m sure I’d heard some form of that many times before, but at that moment it was a crazy lightbulb moment. It is one of those things in life that is so simple we try to pretend that it can’t possibly be true. But it is. You can’t create something different. You can’t grow, you can’t expand, and you can’t construct the life you deeply desire on the foundation of the one that you don’t. You can’t free yourself from old patterns and habits while actively engaging in those same old patterns and habits. The simple truth is that if you want change, you have to do just that, change.
Here’s the fun sciency part:
Our human minds are sponges and we soak up what we immerse ourselves in. Doing or believing the same thing over and over soon becomes the only way we know or acknowledge to be true. But doing and believing in something is only a choice. We get to decide what to fill our cup with. And the more we fill our cup with misery and fear, the more our brains believe that that is the only way. So the key to feeling better, the first step in accelerating the healing journey, is learning to tune into the way you wish to feel and taking real, honest stock of what you are currently surrounding yourself with.
If you wish for calm, steer clear of the insta feeds that make you feel anxiety and shame. And instead, follow those who evoke your feelings of comfort and peace.
If you long to feel joy, find the people who actually look happy. Watch what they do. Watch how they interact with others. Watch how they interact with themselves.
If you dream of a more lucrative job, look at the things that interest you and google them to see what people in those fields of work are doing to make that money flow.
If you yearn for support, move away from the people who like you small and move towards the ones who see your value and encourage you to be big.
I’m not telling you to go ditching all your old friends. Just search out the ones who listen when you talk about your dreams and respond with encouragement rather than cynicism. These are the golden gems that will help you connect the dots to the wonderfully fulfilled you that you actually already are; she’s just a bit buried at the moment by a lifetime of disempowering beliefs. The more you surround yourself with people who are living in the way and direction you want to go, not in the place you are working hard to leave, the more you will find examples and support toward the life you want. These people will hold the faith, support your dreams, and encourage you to believe in what they already know to be true, that you absolutely CAN pull yourself up, out, and forward.
This concept is supported by vast studies in the neuroscience field. It is scientifically proven that our brains continue to reinforce thought patterns that persist. Basically, the more you continue to think something, the more you will believe it… Even if it has no basis in fact. You may want to reread that last part.
Our brains are not wired to distinguish between information that is real or fake, especially as children. We are wired to believe what we see and what we are told. If you are told all your life that ice cream is poison, you are likely to be highly suspicious if someone tries to give it to you. Even if you see first-hand proof that it is safe and delicious. If you are trained from a young age to believe you are not capable of achieving your desires or that you are selfish for wanting more in the first place, you may continue to believe it, despite any proof to the contrary.
When I really start to unpack all the stuff that was put into my brain without my understanding, it’s a little overwhelming. But there’s something super cool and really empowering about all this too. Once we do understand how our minds work, we can reprogram our habits, thoughts, beliefs, and patterns, just like we would reprogram a computer. All you have to do, to turn your brain around is to start adding in the new apps that elicit feelings of safety and self-worth rather than those that make you feel alone, bleak, and shitty.
And given that we are visual creatures, an easy way to start is by intentionally adjusting what you see every day.
Edit your social media and follow only the feeds that bring you real joy and hope. Say no to requests to hang with people who leave you feeling unheard or diminished. Read books that uplift. Watch movies that inspire. Spend as much time as you can filling your cup with the things that actually fill your cup, rather than those that drain it dry. And lean into those friends who see you as bold and brave. Remember that they are already witnesses to your strengths and are undeterred by the things you see as faults. Your true tribe loves YOU and will welcome the opportunity to help where they can. Put them on speed dial. They are your personal ghostbusters.
Moving into a different mindset, one that will change your life is a practice of both trust and simple actions that support you where you are going, not where you have been. It’s also the implementation of fail-safes that will kick in to keep you from falling down that mountain you are climbing, just when you need them most. It just takes daily decisions to surround yourself with information, people, and practice that support the way you hope to feel.
This is self-help at its best! All you need to do to create change is to take daily action in the direction of feeling good while allowing your support team to see and love the whole YOU. It’s deeply embracing the unique and authentic human that you are at your core. This human experience is messy but beautiful. It is joy, love, and lots of tears. And it is a daily experiment in both finding and creating your most amazing life, made better with awareness, love, and connection.
I now realize that my loss of faith this spring was my heart and soul showing up in a big way to remind me of how far I’ve come, to show me that I am not alone, that I am worthy of support, that I am very capable of creating what I desire and that I am absolutely surrounded by love.
And so, dear friend, are you.
❤️
Here are a few tangible steps to start the shift.
Surround yourself with people that make you feel happy, not more miserable. It’s always ok to step away and claim some space for yourself to feel good.
Create space for short bursts of quiet time to check in with how you really feel. Just a few minutes to close your eyes and consciously focus on your breath will reconnect you to your inner voice.
Walk in nature, even for just a few minutes. For city dwellers, any park or street with trees will do.
Listen to recorded birdsong. The live version is great too.
Resist the urge to watch anything that makes you small, angry, or argumentative. Unfollow these feeds on social media immediately and instead search out and follow those who inspire you.
Watch comedies. Hang with the people who make you laugh. Get that joy flowing!
Play with being authentically yourself. Consider what makes you feel good (outside the box of what others tell you should make you feel good). This one was surprisingly difficult at first for me. The cultural programming runs deep. But don’t be afraid to untangle yourself from it.
Do not believe everything your brain tells you. Remember it will believe what it’s told and that is not always the truth. Start by leaning into what makes you feel expansive. And if something makes you feel like crap, it’s probably something you should at least be questioning if not stepping away from.
Move that body! Put on some loud music and dance around. Jump up and down. Sing! Shake, shimmy, spin, and let yourself feel silly. Laugh at how ridiculous you feel. Flex that joy muscle as much as possible.
Try something new. Nothing shifts your brain power like engaging in a new practice that lights you up and makes you reconnect to your childlike curiosity.
Ps… A very special shout out to Brooke, Brooke, Sara, Theresa, Robin, Lisa, and Jordyn!
