Why Calm is the New Busy

Once upon a time, I thought that being busy was the best way to ensure success. In my 20’s and 30’s, I prided myself on how hard I could work and for the first 16 years of my teaching career I considered it completely normal to schedule 8 hours of private sessions, six days a week, and take massage clients in the evenings. I did this along with all the back end work of running the business myself, as well as choreographing for the dance company I had founded and doing my best to be present for my friends and family. 

And truly I loved all the things I was doing. Well most of them anyway… I loved sharing movement and seeing my clients get stronger and more confident. I loved being in charge of my schedule and finances. I loved creating a peaceful and inspiring space in which people could thrive. I loved experimenting with my creativity through dance. I loved getting great recognition for being very skilled at my job.

But I was trying to do all the things at 100%, all of the time. I was trying to be everything to everyone I knew. And I was trying to do it all on my own, in record time, thinking that doing so proved me more valuable than people who needed to delegate out. 

For a while this actually worked. Kind of…

I did all the things and got lots of praise for them, but went home very tired. I was aware enough to know I needed to create space to rest. But I actually considered this need a character flaw. I thought all self made, successful people worked like this and beat myself up internally when I couldn't keep up with those productivity levels. I would crash, take a short nap and get right back on that hamster wheel, over and over and over. 

This was unsustainable. And frankly, as I look back, pretty stupid.  What was even more stupid was that I was vaguely aware of it being dumb as hell. I just didn’t understand that I actually had the option to create something different. In consequence, I was constantly frazzled, constantly exhausted, constantly making it through my day on coffee and will power alone. When it all got too much, I, who believed in self care and healthy living, secretly snuck stress cigarettes in the alley. I developed chronic migraines and food sensitivities. I felt exhausted, unseen, and deeply under appreciated. And even though I loved my job, my vitality was completely drained by the way I was doing it.

It sucked. 

I knew in my gut that how I was living wasn’t healthy, but my self worth was very much plugged into how productive I was. The ego boost I got from being overbooked felt like enough of an endorsement to make being ridiculously tired worthwhile. And since I didn’t have a different template for what a successful life looked like, this one, as worn out as it was, was the one I stuck with. I continued on, wearing my busy induced exhaustion as a badge of honor, as if working harder and longer made my work more valid, my efforts more earned, my skills more worthy of praise. I ran myself repeatedly into the ground rather than listen to what my body was trying to tell me and make changes for a more balanced life.

Years went by like this. And though my business thrived, though I was making 6 figures, I never really felt like I was successful enough. I constantly compared myself to my competitors and always came up short in my head. It wasn’t until 2017, when I became pregnant with my first and only child, that this pot finally boiled over and I was forced to make a shift. My already over taxed 42 year old body was now trying to grow a human and the reality of how depleted I actually was hit me hard. Exhaustion unlike anything I had felt before knocked me flat and an incredible sadness set in. 

One day, around three months into my pregnancy, just before my morning yoga class, I found myself weeping uncontrollably into my medically ill advised three shot latte. A sweet client, and mom of two herself, looked me in the eye and saw exactly what I could not. My levels of stress and exhaustion were becoming dangerous to both me and my growing child. She strongly encouraged me to contact my doctor and get some help. Two days later my doctor confirmed her observations and recommended I drop everything that wasn’t absolutely crucial. My stress levels were off the charts and needed to come down immediately. The health of my baby and therefore my own body suddenly took precedence over everything else. 

It was a massively difficult shift. One I had not been ready to make before. But this time I had a different and very good reason. And frankly, I was too tired to use my old, ego based excuses to fight with my doctor about what she was telling me. After years of encouraging my clients to put themselves first, I actually started to practice the same. I cut way back on my work schedule. I let go of people who left me exhausted. I said no to invites that I didn’t feel up to. I even made hard choices to cut off contact with family members that were not capable of being supportive. And I began to be more consistent with my own self care in a way that I hadn’t in my entire adult life. 

And I started to feel better. My pregnancy was still pretty rough. But it forced me to slow down so much that I began to hear my own voice, one that had been calling to me for over a decade. There was no longer anywhere to hide. The distractions of more to do and more to accomplish were gone, leaving me alone with all my feelings of fear and lack of worth. And I discovered that I could start to face them. I began to redefine what success meant to me. I started to see that what I really wanted was to live a life that was intentional and soft. I wanted connection and space to listen, which could not happen with a full schedule. I wanted experiences that brought me to my knees from joy. 

I began to consider the concept of NOT feeling guilty for resting, or delegating or paying for help. And I started to ponder the questions: If my self worth could lie outside of my scope of productivity, then where would I find my own value? 

What would I gauge my success on? 

These questions, and the introspection process that followed, have caused incredible shifts that seem pretty dramatic from the outside. I now prioritize space to play and nap. And I can tell you with certainty that those are just the tip of the iceberg as to the changes I’ve felt inside. The internal shifts are the ones that have made all the difference. The reexamining of all the ways that I looked outside myself for validation and worth lead to the most profound and incredible healing journey that has brought me back to myself. And I feel so deeply joyful in saying that the journey is only just beginning.

I see now that for years I had been using my insecurities as my driving force. I was using the fact that people loved my offerings as proof of my worth as a human. And the boost I got from this type of validation was fleeting. It was never enough. I was constantly afraid to make a mistake and lose business. And because I believed that success only came to those who worked themselves to the bone, I couldn’t maintain healthy boundaries and the load I took on was consistently at overcapacity. Deep down I believed that I had to keep proving myself, over and over again. 

Now I want to give that past me a hug. She really needed one.

But instead she was gifted with a forced downshift in order to save her pregnancy. And this has turned into a complete change in priorities and method of living. It now permeates how I do everything and I couldn’t be more grateful. When I slow down, everything is less stressful and way more pleasant. I notice that I listen better. I have time now to savor conversations and actually hear what others are saying to me and rather than speeding past their words in order to voice my own thoughts. I am freed up to really integrate and understand what my friends are looking to share. Consequently most of my relationships have gotten much deeper. 

And the ones that haven’t… well, I feel very little sadness in letting them go. Rather than chasing those who weren’t right for me, I wish them well and set them free with a ton of love, making space for those that are. 

Slowing down isn’t always easy. I find myself popping in and out of old habits all the time. But the more I practice moving with awareness, the more quickly I am able to disconnect from the external world’s hurried tempo to reset and return to my own rhythm. Less and less do I feel the constant mid level panic caused by a frazzled nervous system. More and more I lean into experiencing my uncomfortable feelings rather than running from them. More and more I am getting curious about my reactions. More and more I am able face my fears calmly and come out holding their hand as we move forward together.

Going slowly allows me to actually sit with my feelings rather than plow over them, creating space to acknowledge what actually feels good to me rather than allowing myself to be driven by what society expects of me. And society will always expect a lot. But now I am able to listen to my own internal compass and create from there rather than build my life based on someone else’s template. 

The choice to slow down permeates everything I do. The way I wake, the way I speak, the way I move, the way I get ready for my next appointment, and the way that I guide myself and my daughter as we learn from each other. 

My definition of success is very different now. It is no longer based on numbers or client hours. I now feel successful when I have room for a two hour coffee date with a new friend. I feel successful when I leave my desk stacked with papers to read for pleasure and take a nap. And I feel successful when I have a full ‘to do’ list, but choose instead to take my child to the beach to play in the waves.

There will always be more work to be done. And I imagine that I’ll always love hearing praise for a job well done. But no longer will I base my worth on it. And the freedom gained from this shift is more liberating than I could have possibly imagined. 

If you resonate with anything that I've shared here, please reach out. I’d love to share a cup of coffee and hear what really brings you joy!